Friday, January 7, 2011

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

"Well, I don't tell you everything"
"...What?! You don't tell me everything?"

Those could have been throw-a-way lines in the screenplay that is our life. They could have been something I said just to screw with your continual need to know everything I do and everyone I know, everything I think and everything I am. (This sounds derisive, but it isn't--your need to know everything makes me feel loved).

They could have been.

But they weren't. They aren't. I can't get them out of my head.

They're stuck there, on replay.

I don't tell you everything, because I can't tell you everything. And I know you're going to want to ask questions- but don't. Isn't it time we both learned to leave well enough alone?

And besides, everyone's entitled to their secrets.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Told you my song lyric post title for the new year's resolution business was going to be kick-ass. And so you're aware, contrary to popular societal belief "Closing Time" isn't by Third Eye Blind: it's by Semisonic. (I make this distinction because of a trailer I watched recently for some new Justin Timberlake movie about him banging his best friend and thinking there couldn't be complications--he mistakes the artists. And I'm too lazy to Google anymore details for this, so if you have gotten through this ramble/if you care--hit up Google).


Welcome 2011!

I hope y'all had a most fantastic NYE. I was one lucky woman this year. I had a wicked awesome New Year's. There was alcohol, there was laughter, there was hugs and dancing and food and Rockband and a whole bunch of my favourite people in the world (not all, but a lot of 'em). There was sharing and reminiscing, looking forward and toasting and counting down over a computer clock because I still don't have cable. There were Youtube videos and plans for "Bad Porn Sundays" and tubing adventures, and cookies and fireworks, and early or delayed New Year's texts about kisses and hugs and best wishes for the new year. It was a kick-ass way to welcome 2011, and I only hope that everyone had as much fun (and got to see their favourite people too--unless you didn't get to see me, then I apologize...hahaha. I kid. Mostly.)

It feels good to be on the precipice of something new and different, yet strangely the same. It's just another day, it's just another year, it's really not a big deal--and yet it is. It gives us the chance for renewal, to start over, to look back at a pre-determined packet of time in which we lived, see our successes, see our failures, see where we want to change and what we want to improve.

I spent an entire post rambling about all that was good and bad about 2010, and now that it's over, I kind of want to spend another post rambling, this time about the things I want to do with 2011. You lucky bums who bother to read my rambles get to hear them. Excited? I'll bet you are. :P

So without further ado, my resolutions, which, I will not list but will simply write in normal paragraph form because there's few of them and they're complicated.

This year, I'm going to take better care of myself. I know this is probably something everyone vows, but in all seriousness, I get my ass so busy working or helping other people (or in 2010, in school) that I forget about me. So this year, I'm eating better, actually hauling my ass to a gym, sleeping like a normal person, taking my vitamins--all the things I need to do so as not to be ill for ninety percent of the year, mentally and physically.

And on that note, this year I'm going to be braver. That's right: I'm going to keep grabbing the bull by the horns, so to speak, and doing that whole carpe diem thing. It's been working out so far for me with the 'life transformation', but I'm still missing key elements. I took a big leap moving without a plan. Now I need to take bigger leaps--confess things, take risks in relationships...and maybe jump out of a plane. Okay, not the last one--but the first two terrify the hell out of me, so they're basically equivocal anyway. I will be brave, I will take risks...I will stop talking myself out of things.

This year, I'm going to keep up with the writing. In fact, I'm going to write something every day: a poem, a thought, a sentence, a blog post. Anything to keep me going with it, because to lose it again would be to lose the rediscovered creative part of me that makes me who I am. Never again.

And, finalement: This year, I'm going to appreciate what I have, and who I have. I'm going to love the hell out of my friends and my family, and they're going to know it. I'm going to keep perspective. I'm going to laugh more (I lost some of that in 2010- stupid me, because laughing is who I am). I'm going to dance like no one's watching (and if it's in my apartment, no one had better be watching anyway!). I'm going to sing like no one can hear me. I'm going to get my tattoo. I'm going to laugh and love and live--I'm going to remember that there are people in the world worse off than I. I'm going to reconnect with my sisters from other misters. I'm going to roll with the punches (which better be less painful this year--you listenin, 2011?). I'm going to deal with things, and be there for people and ask for help when I need it--or at least, I'm gonna try.

Above all, I'm going to be me- whosoever she happens to be. I'm going to let myself change and evolve, but I'm going to stay true to who I am and what I believe. I'm going to take this clean slate and scribble my Jmartness all over the damn thing.

I hope you all do the same. Squeeze every second you can out of 2011- 'cause you just never know how many of them you have left.

Best wishes for the new year, friends.

Lookin' forward to y'all suffering through more of my rambling <3
And thanks for being there. For everything.