Monday, May 30, 2011

i'm done with how it feels, spinnin' my wheels, lettin' you drag my heart around

Between busting up my baby toe, battling my new roommates the carpenter ants (I will win this one yet!), working, and getting all kinds of exciting news, May has been one of those crazy months that just flies by.

Part of the reason is that I took a trip up to my hometown in the nord. I celebrated a birthday with one of my oldest and best friends in the world; I belatedly celebrated mother's day and my Gram's birthday with the women who mean most to me; and I got a chance to see my Momma before her shoulder surgery this week.

Overall, it was a great trip. The weather was mostly awesome, and I got loads of good news, including: a) that I got into grad school for September; b) that I got a sweet theatre-related summer job I applied for and c) that the parentals gifted me my birthday present a few months early, in the form of a new laptop, since the old one gave up on the whole living thing (RIP little guy!)

Despite all of this visiting-and-great-news awesomeness, a trip to the north ultimately results in me re-evaluating my life choices and plans. This is a theme that has carried through the remainder of the month.

See, here's the thing: everyone and their uncle seems to have some sort of plan. Whether it be that they want to have kids by the time they're 30, or that they're currently planning to buy a home in the north within the next year, or that they're engaged to their partner and are planning a wedding: it seems like everyone is moving forward with their lives, like everyone has some sort of concrete plan.

And for awhile there, it had me feeling left behind. Here I am, just a girl on her own, floating through life with no real plans at the moment. Yes, there's work, and yes, there's grad school on the horizon, but I haven't got any of those "settle-down" plans set in my brain yet, and seeing so many of my friends, both old and new, have these things plotted out for themselves made me worry. I had about a week where I thought I was doing everything wrong, and that I needed to get this shit sorted out, 'cause clearly everyone else does!

Ah, yes. That freakout. But returning home (my L-dot home, that is), always returns my perspective, and I realized that it's silly of me to be having that freakout. That girl isn't me. I'm not the kind of person who wants to settle down just yet; I'm not the kind of girl who does well with carefully constructed plans. I've always done better flying by the seat of my pants--some of my best life choices have been done that way. I like not knowing what life's going to throw at me. I like letting things happen naturally, organically, the way the universe wants them to. And I love the sense of adventure I get the whole time I'm just going with the flow, living.

With all of that comes the realization that I also am really good at exaggerating. There are a lot of people who have these plans in my life right now, yes, but not everyone is planning their life out in meticulous detail right now. Not everyone is looking to settle down just yet. I've got people around me with the same goals and fly-by-night tendencies that I've got...and that's awesome. We've all got to do our own thing. As long as my friends are happy doing whatever it is they're doing, whatever it is they're planning, I'm a happy girl. And I'm happy with who I am, what I am, and what I choose to do (or plan).

Someone close to me recently called me a "free spirit".

Free. Spirit.

I like the sounds of that.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

we're like fire and gasoline, i'm no good for you, you're no good for me

The title of this post has nothing to do with the post itself. I've just been listening to it on repeat. You're all welcome.

I've recently been plagued with a question that I don't have the answer to, a thought that I just can't seem to get rid of. See, after a series of events, I've started to wonder if I'm kind of a bitch.

...I'm not kidding. I know that I'm loud, and I usually say whatever it is that I'm thinking. I'm aware that I can be a lot to handle or rub people the wrong way and that my honesty about certain scenarios and my intense loyalties can come across as jarring.

But I've always prided myself on also being fun and well, sweet: it would kill me to know that something I said in jest actually hurt someone else. I don't go out of my way to be a jerk, and I don't think of myself as confrontational so much as just honest, so if you've wronged me, you're going to know about it. And lately I've been confronted with the notion that maybe this honesty is just perceived as a penchant to be bitchy. Here's why:

Instance Number 1: I was driving some folks home after an evening of rehearsing for UWO English's Summer Shakespeare production, Antony and Cleopatra (And yes, I just plugged my show. Click the link). As we were putting along in Mia on this incredibly rainy evening (thanks, L-dot, for always raining), one of the guys who I'm only really acquainted with made a remark about if we wanted him to be quiet he could ride in the trunk. I laughed, and replied "Don't worry, if I want you to be quiet I'll tell you". Other passengers, who are close friends of mine, laughed and responded "Yeah, that's about the extent of it". Passenger one says, "Yeah, you struck me as that kind of person. No offence or anything".

And I'm not offended. Not even a little. But I worry that I've offended someone else.

Instance Number 2: I get a text message after a night out from one of my favourite people in the world. She has received a message from an ex of hers, that said something along the lines of "I saw Jess in line at bar X. I was going to say hi, but she'd probably kill me." We laughed about it, but it made me think. Yes, he had wronged her, and yes, I was upset for her when it all happened. I haven't seen him since (shocking, since I run into everyone else's exes). I will let people know when they're douchey, but it's been months. Does he not think I'm capable of being awkwardly polite? (Please see earlier posts for proof that I am!!) Do I really seem like such a bitch that if you hurt my friend I can never, ever just drunkenly say "hi" to you if we happen to bump into each other on the busiest street in the city??

For the record: I said bar X because I don't want you to know where I was actually standing in line. It's embarrassing. For reals.

So there you have it: reasons why I've been pondering how I deal with people and if somehow under my bubbly exterior I actually come across as a huge bitch. Seriously, it's been plaguing me, because I don't want to come across that way.


After several chats with several of my really close friends, I've come to the tentative conclusion that I'm not a bitch, that I am just honest and open with people and comfortable (relatively) with who I am and what I say, in a take-me-or-leave-me-but-I-ain't-changing-for-you-alone kind of way. And that makes up part of who I am, and part of what I like about myself. And that's okay.

But I'll probably still check myself a little when the potential for sarcasm or bitchiness comes up--just in case.