Monday, May 30, 2011

i'm done with how it feels, spinnin' my wheels, lettin' you drag my heart around

Between busting up my baby toe, battling my new roommates the carpenter ants (I will win this one yet!), working, and getting all kinds of exciting news, May has been one of those crazy months that just flies by.

Part of the reason is that I took a trip up to my hometown in the nord. I celebrated a birthday with one of my oldest and best friends in the world; I belatedly celebrated mother's day and my Gram's birthday with the women who mean most to me; and I got a chance to see my Momma before her shoulder surgery this week.

Overall, it was a great trip. The weather was mostly awesome, and I got loads of good news, including: a) that I got into grad school for September; b) that I got a sweet theatre-related summer job I applied for and c) that the parentals gifted me my birthday present a few months early, in the form of a new laptop, since the old one gave up on the whole living thing (RIP little guy!)

Despite all of this visiting-and-great-news awesomeness, a trip to the north ultimately results in me re-evaluating my life choices and plans. This is a theme that has carried through the remainder of the month.

See, here's the thing: everyone and their uncle seems to have some sort of plan. Whether it be that they want to have kids by the time they're 30, or that they're currently planning to buy a home in the north within the next year, or that they're engaged to their partner and are planning a wedding: it seems like everyone is moving forward with their lives, like everyone has some sort of concrete plan.

And for awhile there, it had me feeling left behind. Here I am, just a girl on her own, floating through life with no real plans at the moment. Yes, there's work, and yes, there's grad school on the horizon, but I haven't got any of those "settle-down" plans set in my brain yet, and seeing so many of my friends, both old and new, have these things plotted out for themselves made me worry. I had about a week where I thought I was doing everything wrong, and that I needed to get this shit sorted out, 'cause clearly everyone else does!

Ah, yes. That freakout. But returning home (my L-dot home, that is), always returns my perspective, and I realized that it's silly of me to be having that freakout. That girl isn't me. I'm not the kind of person who wants to settle down just yet; I'm not the kind of girl who does well with carefully constructed plans. I've always done better flying by the seat of my pants--some of my best life choices have been done that way. I like not knowing what life's going to throw at me. I like letting things happen naturally, organically, the way the universe wants them to. And I love the sense of adventure I get the whole time I'm just going with the flow, living.

With all of that comes the realization that I also am really good at exaggerating. There are a lot of people who have these plans in my life right now, yes, but not everyone is planning their life out in meticulous detail right now. Not everyone is looking to settle down just yet. I've got people around me with the same goals and fly-by-night tendencies that I've got...and that's awesome. We've all got to do our own thing. As long as my friends are happy doing whatever it is they're doing, whatever it is they're planning, I'm a happy girl. And I'm happy with who I am, what I am, and what I choose to do (or plan).

Someone close to me recently called me a "free spirit".

Free. Spirit.

I like the sounds of that.


  1. Awesome Jess! I think it is natural for everyone to have doubts and fears when the future is unknown. I find writing it down helps put more in perspective for me too!
    You are a fun, exciting person, and you will have what is meant to be!!! xo

  2. It can be so tough when people you know start to do the things we expect people to do... the "settling down" thing. There were several weddings I attended in my early/mid 20's that made me feel like I was a total fuck up. And damn, when they all started having careers, houses, and kids I considered crawling into a hole so as not to expose the obvious freak that I was.

    But I eventually let all that go. Like you said when you can gain back your perspective you realize that you don't even want to be that person. I also hate the term "settling down" because it sounds like your life is over... like if you do chose to be married and have kids that it must be really boring and you can never do anything that is inherently you any more.

    Anyway, come be a free spirit by me... we can cause a ruckus together ;-)