Sunday, May 8, 2011

we're like fire and gasoline, i'm no good for you, you're no good for me

The title of this post has nothing to do with the post itself. I've just been listening to it on repeat. You're all welcome.

I've recently been plagued with a question that I don't have the answer to, a thought that I just can't seem to get rid of. See, after a series of events, I've started to wonder if I'm kind of a bitch.

...I'm not kidding. I know that I'm loud, and I usually say whatever it is that I'm thinking. I'm aware that I can be a lot to handle or rub people the wrong way and that my honesty about certain scenarios and my intense loyalties can come across as jarring.

But I've always prided myself on also being fun and well, sweet: it would kill me to know that something I said in jest actually hurt someone else. I don't go out of my way to be a jerk, and I don't think of myself as confrontational so much as just honest, so if you've wronged me, you're going to know about it. And lately I've been confronted with the notion that maybe this honesty is just perceived as a penchant to be bitchy. Here's why:

Instance Number 1: I was driving some folks home after an evening of rehearsing for UWO English's Summer Shakespeare production, Antony and Cleopatra (And yes, I just plugged my show. Click the link). As we were putting along in Mia on this incredibly rainy evening (thanks, L-dot, for always raining), one of the guys who I'm only really acquainted with made a remark about if we wanted him to be quiet he could ride in the trunk. I laughed, and replied "Don't worry, if I want you to be quiet I'll tell you". Other passengers, who are close friends of mine, laughed and responded "Yeah, that's about the extent of it". Passenger one says, "Yeah, you struck me as that kind of person. No offence or anything".

And I'm not offended. Not even a little. But I worry that I've offended someone else.

Instance Number 2: I get a text message after a night out from one of my favourite people in the world. She has received a message from an ex of hers, that said something along the lines of "I saw Jess in line at bar X. I was going to say hi, but she'd probably kill me." We laughed about it, but it made me think. Yes, he had wronged her, and yes, I was upset for her when it all happened. I haven't seen him since (shocking, since I run into everyone else's exes). I will let people know when they're douchey, but it's been months. Does he not think I'm capable of being awkwardly polite? (Please see earlier posts for proof that I am!!) Do I really seem like such a bitch that if you hurt my friend I can never, ever just drunkenly say "hi" to you if we happen to bump into each other on the busiest street in the city??

For the record: I said bar X because I don't want you to know where I was actually standing in line. It's embarrassing. For reals.

So there you have it: reasons why I've been pondering how I deal with people and if somehow under my bubbly exterior I actually come across as a huge bitch. Seriously, it's been plaguing me, because I don't want to come across that way.


After several chats with several of my really close friends, I've come to the tentative conclusion that I'm not a bitch, that I am just honest and open with people and comfortable (relatively) with who I am and what I say, in a take-me-or-leave-me-but-I-ain't-changing-for-you-alone kind of way. And that makes up part of who I am, and part of what I like about myself. And that's okay.

But I'll probably still check myself a little when the potential for sarcasm or bitchiness comes up--just in case.

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