Sunday, October 31, 2010

and fire's a beautiful sound

I missed my blog's one month birthday. I hope that's not indicative of my maternal instincts--and I use that term sardonically. If you know anything about me by now, or you know me, you know I have sincere doubts about the notion of maternal "instincts"...anyway, that's a sidebar for another time. That and my promised wedding dress rant, which, I swear, is coming- I just keep getting distracted by other things I feel the need to ramble about.

I had my first few shifts the last few days, and let me tell you, they have been interesting. Given that I am a retail virgin, I think they went fairly well. Now I suspect that soon they're going to want to me to actually sell stuff, so when that happens, I will keep y'all updated. Because heaven knows that's bound to bring out the best and worst in some people, and therefore lend itself to hilarious story fodder.

I've been trying my ass off to find a place to live, not only because that'd be a good idea and a logical next step in life transformation 101, but because I feel truly awful to continue mooching off of my host family. They have been so good to me, and I don't want to hassle them any more than I already have, or overstay my welcome. The good news is that, after a few truly awful places that were in bad neighbourhoods, had tiny bedrooms or were in general weird shaped and weird looking, I think I have a real lead on a real possibility. I don't want to jinx it, but my fingers are crossed- because I can't wait to put my stamp on my own place. I can't wait to make something my own for the first time in ever, and have it look and be exactly how I want ti. So...fingers crossed, everyone.

Beyond that, all I've really done is write. Not just blogging, because I've evidently been slacking on that (as some of you have so kindly pointed out), but other writing: short stories, poetry, rants, spoken word rants, everything. And I have to admit, it feels awesome. It's so good to reclaim that part of me that's been missing for so long- soooo good.

Honestly, I've been pretty blogging MIA because I've not had a lot of updates, or life ponders, or anything worth reading, really- I've just been working and writing and existing. But I'm happy. And I'm learning to take it one day at a time, and to live in the moment. I'm enjoying where I'm at right now, with a focus on enjoying the here and now, and with one eye on the road ahead.

Monday, October 25, 2010

standing on the edge of morning, the scent of sex and New Found Glory

My life is currently full of good news. Here's the list:

I am employed. I have spent the last week catching up with almost all of the people in my life who are important to me. I have learned a ton about baseball. I have been to my favourite bar. I have drank wine. I went and got my tragus pierced, something I've been wanting to do for literal eons. I've consumed sushi. I've had a singalong with Mia the Kia jammed full of hilarious friends. I have taken absolutely ridiculous pictures. I have laughed til I cried, and my stomach hurt from the giggles. Most of all, I've made a ton of new, happy memories.

I'm happy.

This is exactly what I was going for when I packed up the old life and left. And now, everything's coming up Jmart! (well, mostly)

I still have to find a second part-time job, and I need to hunt down a place to live- like stat. OSAP's knocking on my door, and I need to somehow orchestrate how to get all my things from the nord to the city I love. But you know, in the grand scheme of things, this life transformation of mine is working. And it makes me happy.

Isn't that something we all should strive for??

Thursday, October 21, 2010

the distance from me to where you'd be, it's only fingerlengths that i see

I've occasionally thought that "second wind" was an illusion that people created, something that one could only obtain after consuming excess amounts of caffeinated beverages. It seemed elusive to me and yet, tonight, the kind of night where I don't have anything special to be awake for, I have found this second wind. Minutes ago I was crashed on my bed, cell phone in hand, messaging someone dear to me who lives in a time zone so different that my night is his morning, and now, I am awake, fully, typing away at this here blog, with only the sound of the cold rain against the windows and this post's title's song playing in the room.

...yeah. In case you hadn't caught it yet, the titles of almost all my posts are song lyrics. Basically whatever song I've been listening to on loop that day. If you're interested, today's is "Set Fire to the Third Bar" by Snow Patrol feat. Martha Wainwright. You're welcome.

So my current favourite song is playing against one of my favourite sounds. I love the rain. Really. Cold, warm, summer, spring, fall, there's something about the rain that makes me smile- maybe it's the artist in my soul that enjoys how everything looks when it's dripping moisture from the sky, or maybe it's the romantic in me who wants to stand in the pouring rain and kiss that someone special, a la The Notebook (how absurdly uncreative of me...). I don't know what it is, but when it rains, I smile.

And when it rains, I feel like writing.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my writing. Part of the reason I got into blogging, really, was to get myself back into writing; I wrote in high school like it was my job, as I suppose so many angst-ridden pubescents are wont to do. And then I lost it; I spent four years being academic and writing the papers they told me to write and reading the books they told me to read and being too busy to do a lot else that I lost my writing. I let it slip, I let it slide, I let it go, and in a way, I let a part of me slip, slide, go...I lost a piece of who I was.

That's so not okay.

One of the sweetest, brightest people I've ever known said something to me last night that's had me thinking ever since. She looked at me over our entirely-too-crisp-and-golden, artery-clogging-over-salted McD's fries and said, "You know, you're going to be successful in academics, if that's what you want to do. But I think you have something more, something creative and artsy, to give to the world". (DISCLAIMER: I may have misquoted that, because nobody's memory is perfect, but that was the essence of where she was going with it. So forgive me, mademoiselle, when you read this if what I've said is incorrect).

I haven't been able to get that out of my head. I've spent four long years being Jmart: the Academic that in some ways, I lost Jmart: the Artist. More and more, people who matter to me have been telling me that I need to write- a book, a play, poetry, whatever- and I think it's really starting to stick. Writing used to be who I was, and I let that piece of me die during my undergrad.

So here I am, reclaiming and reviving that bit of who I am. I'm bringing her back, Jmart the Artist. I've got a year off to do the things I want to do, and in this exploration, I'm going to find her, refine her, bring her back, so that I can once again be whole.

Or as close to it as I'm ever going to be.

...That wedding dress rant is still on it's way.

Monday, October 18, 2010

you don't do it on purpose but you make me shake


I know I've been slightly MIA on this here blog for the last little while (a fact someone pointed out to me at the dining room table this know who you are). I swear I have a good reason.

I'd like to tell the blogosphere that this good reason is that I've successfully obtained employment in my new/favourite city and have been frantically working away/apartment hunting/seeing friends/laughing my face off.

I'd like to. But that would be a lie.

Well, partially.

The reality is this. A good portion of my time here so far has been taken up by battling the Flu. Of. Death.

Seriously. It struck me down in what felt like a matter of seconds, and I've been out for three days. My status has progressed from feeling like I got hit by an entire VIA rail passenger train, to feeling like I got hit by a Mack truck, to today, where I feel as though it was just a mini-van that ran over the upper half of my body.

Yes, I did just compare my illness to being hit by vehicles.

And in all honesty, despite how incredibly brutal this illness has been, and how it's put me behind more than I would have liked in terms of job hunting, I have to say that I realize more and more because of this how lucky I am.

I have spent this past almost-week with a family that is so incredibly sweet, caring, kind and funny that I've never been more comfortable being deathly ill in a place that wasn't my own. Okay...that sounds really weird. Let's try that again.

You know how when you're sick, the only place you want to be is your own bed? Okay, now imagine being in your friend's family's home, one that you're semi-familiar with, but still isn't yours. Normally, this is the kind of thing that would make me feel even more miserable, on top of my illness, and yet, I don't think there's anywhere else I'd have rather been (okay, save for home, but since my momma's 6 hours away and can't drive atm, we scratched that option).

Everyone here has been amazing. They've sat up with me almost all night making sure I manage to keep something down (you're welcome for that image); they've fed me broth and tea and crackers; they've medicated me for all my ills for the last three days; they've given me my own room with a television; they've flattened my gingerale, checked to make sure I was still breathing after a 16-hour-sleep-a-thon, moved my car for me when it was in everyone's way, and generally just ensured that I had what I needed to be comfortable and work myself back into wellness. In essence, every single one of them has cared.

They've not just let me into their home while I try and make my life transformation, and have not just fed me and given me a bed. Instead, this special family has made me feel wanted, welcomed, and almost as though I was always one of their own. Their kindness has touched me in a way that very few do and even though I know that most of them won't read this, I feel like, on my blog, it has to be said:

Thank you. All of you. You are some of the most special people I have ever been lucky enough to come across.

Anddddd that's all she wrote. Literally. I think I've oversapped everyone.

Alright, I think it's high time I exited this massive post, stage left. My entire upper body is aching.

But as I do, I also need to say: In this last week, I have seen some of my most favourite people ever, have laughed more than I have in ages, have managed to get back into a drama production and have also had an interview. Fingers crossed for me folks. No matter the setbacks, Jmart's life transformation is officially underway.

Oh, and PS: expect a rant on wedding dresses soon. For serious.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

at times you gotta go without knowin' where you're goin'

Do you ever wonder if you're going to be missed?

I mean, sure, it's easy for someone to say that they will miss you when you're gone, or to call and tell you that they do miss you while you're away, but have you ever pondered if they really do? Hmm...not to say that I doubt the intentions of friends and family members who tell me that, but there are times where I wonder what it means to be missed, and I wonder if I've made enough of an impact on the lives of those around me that when I do go away, for a day, a month, a year, forever, if I leave a Jmart-shaped hole in their lives that cannot be filled by any other, a role that is dedicated specifically to me that no other soul can fill. Am I goofy enough, funny enough, smart enough, sweet enough, responsible enough, friendly enough...anything enough to actually be missed?

Ah...I was going to go ahead and delete that whole paragraph because it sounds self-deprecating and frankly, a little bit stupid. But I'm leaving it, because those are thoughts I've thought and feelings I've felt and in a way I think it'd be untrue to me and the purpose of this blog to go back and erase them. To hit delete would be to betray my feelings- sometimes you know it's silly to think or feel a certain way, but your heart and your head don't always match. Isn't it better to honour how you feel and deal with it? So there. It's a silly rant, but it's out in the universe.

To end this thing on a more positive note, I had the best day off ever, and now have new hair. Phase one of transformation= complete.

And it's t-7 days until the move.

Phase two of transformation is rapidly approaching. The nerves are climbing, but so is my level of excitement. Beware, world, Jmart's on her way.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

There were a ridiculous number of thoughts running through my head as I DD'd the gang home after a night of dancing and alcoholic beverages in celebration of a friend's birthday. There were so many thoughts that I was actually trying to decide on one specific one for the topic of this blog post, instead of my typical rambles. I was trying to find the one thought that would be central, that would open today's post with something amazing. What I came up with was this:

Happy First Week Birthday, blog.

Yuuuup, the many thoughts running through my head, and I come up with that.

Though I suppose it's relevant, especially in light of the fact that time passes so quickly...I can hardly believe it's been a week since I laid on my bed in this exact same way and contemplated for hours where or not I should actually put fingers ot keys and immortalize my thoughts in pixels, on a screen. A lot has happened this week--I've done a lot of growing, even in just those seven days.

And I've spent this last week wondering how the hell it is that we all got so damaged. From the conversations I've had about myself with my family and friends, and conversations I've had with family and friends about their lives and current states of affairs, all I have been able to conclude is that we're all pretty effed up. What, why, how is it that we got this way? How, what, why is it seemingly so hard for everyone to just be happy these days? Where are we going, what are we doing, and what is it we did that lead us to this melancholic, depressed, anxious, out-of-sorts, coping-with-meds-or-self-medicating, effed up state of being?

Let me be clear: we've all got problems. Everyone does. And I know in that sense, that makes us all screwed up. But how did we all get so screwed up lately? How come we all seem to be having such a hard time getting past the things we used to be able to work through? Why is it that so many people I've talked to lately want to just pack up, move on out and start over? Why are so many jealous that I'm doing just that?

...Just a point to ponder. Personally, I blame the universe that governs 2010, because it has overwhelmingly been a shitty year for me, thus far: deaths, strokes, pelvis-crushing-tractor accidents, hernias, cancer, car accidents...These are just some of the things that have happened to  me or someone close to me this year. Thinking back, I can see us all, full of promises and hopes for a beautiful year in 2010--cheap champagne, maybe?

I spent about 5 minutes standing in the cold tonight, beside the closed door of my car, under my dim porch light, staring at the sky. The night sky was incredible tonight- no clouds, a beautiful silver sliver of a moon (yeah, you re-read those two words together), and brilliant sparkling stars just everywhere. My breath was coming out in little puffs, and everything was gorgeous- the perfect kind of early autumn night that I just adore. And I noticed- the stars all have their place. They shine as brightly as they can, they're unique and yet the sky wouldn't be what it is without each of them in their place, serving their purpose.

Maybe we all need to move beyond our doubts, fears, depressions, anxieties...past our blaming of the universe and the year for all that's gone, stop questioning if we're making the right decisions or blaming others if we're not and instead, instead we ought to be more like those stars. Maybe we need to realize that stars are not all whole, or uniform, or perfect, but that they are all beautiful because of their flaws, varied sizes, their differences. Maybe what we really need to do is go ahead and find our rightful place in this inky black sky of a world, and then shine so brightly that someone, somewhere else on the planet is watching our glow and smiling.

Just like I was tonight.