Monday, September 27, 2010

i was thinkin' that if you know a way out, then i'd like to go with you

"You're just livin' life sweetheart". The (admittedly edited) text message that made my evening.

It's a scary thing to realize that you've actually taken a step to changing all those things you hate. It's effing terrifying to realize that you've quit your steady, full-time job in the city you hate and are moving back to the city you love with no job, no home, no plan...Possessing a free spirit is incredible. Fighting the compulsive need to be responsible is important. Managing to shush that inner voice that questions every decision you make? Not so easy.

And it takes a special kind of person to cheer you up with one text, to quiet the fears that have been building since you hastily typed the resignation letter, hit print, handed it to your boss then booked it hell bent for leather back to your car because you aren't a big fan of confrontation and really didn't want to see how that one worked out.

I've spent the past two days trying to assauge my guilt, to reconcile my need to leave and find myself, my place in this world, with that little voice in my head that consistently urges me to do what's 'right' and what's 'responsible' and what I'm 'supposed' to do. Two days, and I was going nowhere fast, til I told him I was doubting myself, til I said I thought I made a mistake and maybe I should stay here after all 'cause my job isn't all bad and I'm sure I can find something to do in this city and...Two days of that run-on worry, and he fixes it with one little text, composed of four simple words and a pet name. One little text that assures me that it's okay to feel uncertain, reinforces that this is my life and my need to leave is both real and justified, makes me see that he believes in me and my abilities to make some sense of this crazy world and find my place, that lets me know it's okay to worry about me for a change without giving thought or having this guilt about what everyone else will inevitably think.

One text.

Shouldn't we all just be livin' life?

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