Wednesday, September 29, 2010

she's done what she should, should she do what she dares?

So I missed Glee.

I missed Glee and I am in a desperate need of a haircut.

I missed the Britney episode of Glee, I desperately need a haircut and I spent my night training my replacement.

I missed Glee, my hair's a disaster, I trained replacement-me, and I got my convocation letter in the mail today.

I missed the episode because I was off training replacement me, and it bums me out for more than just the fact that I missed an episode. I missed the Britney episode, one that was sure to hit me with a wave of nostalgia for the catchy bubblegum pop tunes that defined my early adolescence, one that would have launched me back to when life was infinitely simpler, back before my heart had ever really been broken, before I'd ever really lost, back to when my life changing decisions were questions about what to wear and not where to move to.

And I'm bummed because last week, I watched the premiere with some of my favourite people in the world, eating junk and giggling like those pre-pubescent, carefree schoolgirls (save for the one male in the room who was less than impressed to be watching the show, but was there because I needed the support--you know who you are, and thank you). Last week, when I was questioning everything and having hourly meltdowns because the universe decided that I needed to deal with just one last family crisis before the summer season was officially ended, the excitement of Glee and of sharing the episode's shiny newness with people who really mattered to me, is what kept me going.

That makes this week a let down.

Moreso, it was a bummer because I didn't just miss the show, I missed it because I was working. Training the young woman who is evidently going to be my replacement, and I spent the entire time fighting that little voice at the back of my mind that made me wonder if quitting and moving without plan is really that wise of a decision after all--and don't get me wrong. She's absolutely lovely. She's going to do my job wonderfully. Perhaps my biggest issue was recognizing that someone had been hired so quickly, that I was that easily replaced to the company, that maybe my manager's "I'm sorry to see you go" isn't really all that sorry at all, and that maybe I wasn't as important as I'd wanted myself to be. I spent all this time feeling guilty about leaving them in a crappy spot (and yes, I know, I shouldn't have felt guilty in the first place) and here they are instantly replacing me. It comes as...a shock, I guess, and an ego I probably deserve, and one I won't spend hours crying over, one that won't destroy my self-esteem or anything, but one that stings a little nonetheless.

But to deal with that sting, I spent some time looking in the mirror after work. That's where the haircut comment comes from. I've had almost the same hairstyle for at least three years, and I'm realizing now it's time for a transformation. I need to do something different, something drastic, something that helps heal that small, wounded bit of ego from replacement me, something that makes me smile everytime I look in the mirror, some change that is new and different and completely unexpected to go with this life of mine that is changing to become so new and different and (in some ways) unexpected.

Hair transformation to go with the life transformation.

I'm taking suggestions.