Friday, November 5, 2010

maybe this is all a part of my flawed design

My life is filled with updates: officially have a place, have several new interviews for an additional job, I am tired-- okay, that's not really an update, but I am and yet cannot get myself to sleep until I churn something out for this blog. Not of necessity in terms of wanting people to have something to read, but because my brain won't stop moving.

And as I was typing my next thought, I managed to get coffee all over my laptop's keyboard. I am a classy, organized kind of woman- crisis averted, though. The other day I also accidentally pulled the entire blind out of the wall. It never ceases to amaze me how graceful I am.

Anywayyyy....the point of this little post is that as of late I am realizing a few things. One is that I have some of the best friends in the entire world. And I know that everyone says this and it seems cliche, but honestly, I do. They pick me up when I'm down, support me when I need it, laugh with me, cry with me, understand my mood swings and my inability to be graceful...They're just incredible people. They're talented and pretty and funny and sweet, and a little bit fucked up (but hey, aren't we all?). They're sarcastic, and witty, and marvellous and they feel deeply, and they love hard, and they give life everything they've got. And with this realization comes this one: a lot of these friends are struggling right now. They're struggling like I have been, and in the midst of it all are supporting my life and my decisions and my madness. I feel like I need to do more to support them but in my craziness I don't really know how. So, I decided to get my feelings out the only way that makes any sort of sense to me- words. They probably won't be sensical, or mean a whole lot, but I think it has to be done. So here goes nothing, and everything, to everybody and nobody:

I know it's hard sometimes to believe the good things that people tell you. I know it's easy to dismiss words as just words, as things that lack significance and meaning, as those kinds of things that are uttered by people all the time without ever thinking because that's just what you do as a person when you want to placate someone.

I know all this. I know it, because I am guilty of the same.

Yet I want you to know that my words are not meaningless. My words are not nothing, they're not useless, and they're not said without feeling, without thought, without heart. My words are honest, my words are true, my words are something I want you to read and re-read, to put in the back of your mind and keep there so that every single day when you start to feel like the weight of the universe is crushing down on you and the world is trying to fuck you every way to Sunday you have something to get you through the day.

I want you to take these words, and I want you to keep them locked inside tight, in that secret corner of your heart that you allow to still beat, to still live, to still hope for things to get better and brighter, prettier and positive...I want these words to live there, and I want them to thrive, so that you never, ever let that heart of yours go black, or cold, or stone, or sad, or broken altogether.

These words are not merely words, they are feelings, they are thoughts, they are emotions, they are me with you every single second of every single day, whether we're physically together or not.

And here, here are the pieces of me I want you to take with you wherever it is that you go:

You are strength personified. Always know that when you think it's all over, there's always a reason, a will, a piece of you that's there to push through and make it to the other side. Never underestimate your strength.

You are beautiful, not just in a physical sense, but in the way you light up a room with who you are and what you believe, on the inside of your skin and on the out.

You are talented. You may not see it, but there is something you do that is like no one else, something that you draw from deep in you that makes others stand and take notice, that awes me everytime I think of you, that makes me proud that you call my friend. Please always take pride in your talents. Please.

You are remarkable, for there is not another soul in the world like you, and you make my life rich just by being in it. If you were to leave me, and when you do, there is a giant, gaping you-shaped hole in my world and there isn't another person who could possibly hope to fill it. You leave big shoes for people to try and fill. They can't. They aren't you.

You are so smart. You're well-read, you're intellectual, you can carry on a conversation about any topic that you choose, and you can do so eloquently. Please always remember that a grade is just a number. It is not the be all end all, it is not the real way to judge whether or not you are intelligent it's just. a. number. Don't ever let a number make you doubt yourself.

You are hilarious. You make me laugh until I have tears running down my face, til my insides are sore from the convulsions, until I'm rolling around on the floor, until I can't speak because I've lost the ability to breathe. You are witty and funny in a way that no one else is. Please don't ever lose that, for the world would look like a thousand of my driver's license pictures if you weren't there to help make them laugh.

And last, but certainly not least, please know this: You are human. You're not infallible. You're going to make mistakes, say stupid things, do embarassing things, screw up hardcore, forget who you are and what you are, and where you're going and why you're trying to get there. You're going to drop things, forget things, walk into things, trip over things, have your heart broken, break someone's heart, say things and do things that will offend or hurt or make no sense at all, and that's okay. It's okay to be wrong, or off, or unsure sometimes, because you're only a person like the rest of us. Please remember that no one is perfect. Please stop putting pressure on yourself to be perfect because, in all honesty, I love you just the way you are. Please remember that.

Take those words with you wherever it is you go. Lock them in your inner safe and unlock them whenever you need them to get you through. Remember that these are more than words: this is me with you always.


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