Maybe

What the hell am I doing?

An odd way to begin the inaugral post of my blog, this introduction of myself to the blogosphere, I know, and yet for some reason it's the one thing I can't get out of my mind. Maybe it's because I've just spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life, or maybe, maybe it's because I'm reconsidering this blog with every key stroke because I know that putting it out into the universe online means that these are words I can never fully get back.

Maybe.

And yet, here I am, 2:04 on a Saturday night (or Sunday morning, be you the early rising type), typing away on this silly little blog that (maybe) few will ever read.

Maybe.

Perhaps I ought to somehow briefly introduce myself, then? I'm a twenty-something woman who just finished undergrad and for the first time in her life finds herself with nothing to do but work, and it's slowly driving her crazy. I am a twenty-something girl who longs to figure out what the hell she's doing in this world and where she's going and why she's here. I am a twenty-something woman who looks out her bedroom window every single, solitary grey day and ponders how she ended up in this podunk, backwards little town that actually makes her sick because she feels like she's never going to fit, ever again.

Then...I am a twenty-something woman who's about to take charge of her life and instead of letting others decide for her, is going to decide for herself. I'm a twenty something woman who is sick of feeling guilty when she has to say no, sick of always doing the responsible thing, sick of having people's expectations looming over her head, sick of worrying about what everyone else thinks and is finally, finally just figuring out how to be.

I am a twenty-something woman who thinks she has it figured out, but knows she doesn't. I'm a twenty-something woman who can't bare to spend another day here, but still gives two weeks notice. I'm a twenty-something woman who loves to live and loves to laugh and yet has slowly found herself doing less and less of both, as of late. I am a twenty-something woman who doesn't know where she's going, but knows where she's been, and is just trying to figure out the path, the way to be happy.

I am a twenty-something woman who is turning to this little blog to help her try and sort things out. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't.

Maybe.

People think that spring is the season for rebirth, but with the leaves changing colours rapidly, I think autumn says it best. Autumn, with its sights and smells, is the season for transformation. As autumn progresses, so too does my own transformation. At least, that's what I think. But then again...what the hell am I doing?