it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

There were a ridiculous number of thoughts running through my head as I DD'd the gang home after a night of dancing and alcoholic beverages in celebration of a friend's birthday. There were so many thoughts that I was actually trying to decide on one specific one for the topic of this blog post, instead of my typical rambles. I was trying to find the one thought that would be central, that would open today's post with something amazing. What I came up with was this:

Happy First Week Birthday, blog.

Yuuuup, the many thoughts running through my head, and I come up with that.

Though I suppose it's relevant, especially in light of the fact that time passes so quickly...I can hardly believe it's been a week since I laid on my bed in this exact same way and contemplated for hours where or not I should actually put fingers ot keys and immortalize my thoughts in pixels, on a screen. A lot has happened this week--I've done a lot of growing, even in just those seven days.

And I've spent this last week wondering how the hell it is that we all got so damaged. From the conversations I've had about myself with my family and friends, and conversations I've had with family and friends about their lives and current states of affairs, all I have been able to conclude is that we're all pretty effed up. What, why, how is it that we got this way? How, what, why is it seemingly so hard for everyone to just be happy these days? Where are we going, what are we doing, and what is it we did that lead us to this melancholic, depressed, anxious, out-of-sorts, coping-with-meds-or-self-medicating, effed up state of being?

Let me be clear: we've all got problems. Everyone does. And I know in that sense, that makes us all screwed up. But how did we all get so screwed up lately? How come we all seem to be having such a hard time getting past the things we used to be able to work through? Why is it that so many people I've talked to lately want to just pack up, move on out and start over? Why are so many jealous that I'm doing just that?

...Just a point to ponder. Personally, I blame the universe that governs 2010, because it has overwhelmingly been a shitty year for me, thus far: deaths, strokes, pelvis-crushing-tractor accidents, hernias, cancer, car accidents...These are just some of the things that have happened to  me or someone close to me this year. Thinking back, I can see us all, full of promises and hopes for a beautiful year in 2010--cheap champagne, maybe?

I spent about 5 minutes standing in the cold tonight, beside the closed door of my car, under my dim porch light, staring at the sky. The night sky was incredible tonight- no clouds, a beautiful silver sliver of a moon (yeah, you re-read those two words together), and brilliant sparkling stars just everywhere. My breath was coming out in little puffs, and everything was gorgeous- the perfect kind of early autumn night that I just adore. And I noticed- the stars all have their place. They shine as brightly as they can, they're unique and yet the sky wouldn't be what it is without each of them in their place, serving their purpose.

Maybe we all need to move beyond our doubts, fears, depressions, anxieties...past our blaming of the universe and the year for all that's gone, stop questioning if we're making the right decisions or blaming others if we're not and instead, instead we ought to be more like those stars. Maybe we need to realize that stars are not all whole, or uniform, or perfect, but that they are all beautiful because of their flaws, varied sizes, their differences. Maybe what we really need to do is go ahead and find our rightful place in this inky black sky of a world, and then shine so brightly that someone, somewhere else on the planet is watching our glow and smiling.

Just like I was tonight.